Since it’s inception, LOGG 64 has done a yearly article showing off the worst choices in Halloween wear for the season. It’s the most popular article of the year, and I get a fuckton of hits just from people searching for shitty costumes. And as always, I STILL can’t believe the fucking SHIT that gets mass produced. And as painful as these articles are to write, I am proud to bring you this year’s inductees to the LOGG 64 shitty costume Hall of Fame. Holy Christ, they just get worse every year.
Part 1- Costumes for the bro’s.
Men have the particular advantage of being whatever the fuck they want for Halloween without having to be sexy. As a result, men will pick any random god damned thing they and their buddies can think of while drinking from a case of Busch Light. Don’t believe me? Just check this bullshit out.
A PUFFY FUCKING SHIRT
I swear to god, this was listed under the “new for 2013 for men” category. I don’t know if it’s supposed to be a god damned vampire, or just some incredibly uppity-asshole, but it just sucks. Any motherfucker who can wear one of these shirts without cutting his own balls off 5 minutes later deserves some kind of award. Any chick who digs dudes in puffy shirts needs to get her fucking nose out of romance novels.
ASSHOLE ON AN OSTRICH
Climb aboard this bloated, sickly looking fucking ostrich and show the whole neighborhood what a true douchebag you can be. I hate these fucking costumes wear your legs are the legs of some other shit. It’s a mind-fuck and I can’t handle that shit. If you see some asshole wearing this, please puncture the shit out of it with an exacto knife.
A STONED BANANA
Nothing says “I have the mind of an 8th grader” quite like a random costume mixed with a pot reference. Sure, it SEEMED like a good fucking idea after about 27 bong hits, but then again so did everything after 27 bong hits. Word of advice kids, think of your costume WHILE YOU ARE SOBER.
Guys love costumes that reference their dicks. I mean NOTHING is fucking funnier to them. Take this beast of a costume for example. The Play-Doh covers the groin. There has to be at least a MILLION jokes that can be made from that, right? Well the good news is regardless of jokes you can think of, the FUCKING SHIRT declares “Knead Me, Squeeze Me, Squish Me”. CHICKS ARE GOING TO COME UP TO YOU ABOUT THIS ALL NIGHT AND TALK ABOUT IT SEXUALLY, I JUST KNOW IT. Stop it.
DUMB-ASS. I SHIT YOU NOT.
Do I even need to fucking tell you why this literal piece of shit absolutely sucks? This one can’t be funnier than about the 3rd grade level. Not only are you a person with an ASS for a FACE, BUT THE DUNCE CAP ILLUSTRATES THE FACT THAT ARE YOU ARE ALSO AN IDIOT. Shut up.
A DICK HEAD. Just shoot me now.
Remember what I said about Busch Light, guys, and dick jokes? Well this takes the cake. I know tons of people who could go as dick heads without putting on a costume at all. (BONUS NOTE: This costume goes from horrible to AWESOME if you ditch the suit and put on a Brett Favre jersey).
ZOMBIE HOT DOG
Food costumes always suck. But this year, the idea well has run so dry that they have resorted to making ZOMBIE food costumes. Why the fuck a hot dog would be a zombie, nobody fucking knows. But apparently it’s an option this year.
GORILLA WITH CAPTIVE PERSON
I am starting to hate costumes like this as much as food costumes. The gorilla doesn’t even look real. It’s like one of those shitty birthday party gorillas. Fuck, now that I look at it, it looks a lot more like a Sasquatch than a fucking monkey.
HOLY BALLS WHAT AM I LOOKING AT
It’s upside down. It’s in pajamas. It’s a fucking nightmare come to life. I can’t even begin to decide what in the shit this was SUPPOSED to be, but it looks like whomever made accomplished whatever fucked-up goal that they had at it’s outset. If this thing approaches me while I take my kids trick or treating I will fucking KILL IT WITH FIRE.
SCIENCE CLASS MUSCLE GUY
This is another nightmare-inducing costume. But more along the lines of when your science teacher would pass around handouts of it asking you to label each muscle group by the end of class. I don’t like to mix homework with Halloween. Also: LOOK AT IT’S FUCKING FACE.
SKIN-TIGHT MIME/THE CROW
Our final costume manages to combine a lot of my fears into one costume. First off, creepy fucking mimes. Nothing is worse than those silent fuckers pulling on imaginary ropes and shit. Getting stuck in an invisible box. Fuck that shit. But this also manages to combine it with a SKIN-TIGHT LEOTARD. Terrifying. Also, WTF is with the Crow makeup? This makes no sense and it should die.
There. Done with the guys. Now I have to write the gals costumes up fucking fast, because Halloween is in 2 fucking days. I procrastinate a LOT.