The 2013 LOGG 64 Halloween Costume Craptacular (Part 2- The Ladies).

Since it’s inception, LOGG 64 has done a yearly article showing off the worst choices in Halloween wear for the season. It’s the most popular article of the year, and I get a fuckton of hits just from people searching for shitty costumes. And as always, I STILL can’t believe the fucking SHIT that gets mass produced. And as painful as these articles are to write, I am proud to bring you this year’s inductees to the LOGG 64 shitty costume Hall of Fame. Holy Christ, they just get worse every year.

Part 2 Costumes for the ho’s.

Every year women are forced to cram themselves into retarded “sexy” costumes for the pleasure of stupid men. Seriously, they have like ZERO options. Every costume is a variation of some shit but in a slutty skirt. I tried to find the biggest piles of shit I could for the ladies this year, and boy DID IT WORK.’

It's either slutty werewolf or this. You pick.

It’s either slutty werewolf or this. You pick.

A GOD DAMNED PILGRIM LADY

Somewhere, in the middle of nowhere is nobody who is dying to be a FEMALE PILGRIM for Halloween. What the fuck did female pilgrims even do besides make fucking dinner for the men and the Indians? Not A WHOLE FUCKING LOT. That’s what. I’ll give you this much. You would really stand out at a party in this.

ROBBLE something or other.

ROBBLE something or other.

SEXY HAMBURGLER

Oh, what they won’t make into a sexy costume. This fucking dandy combines your love off carbs and sluts. The funny thing about it is that you can’t actually EAT hamburgers and pull it off, because your fat fucking ass and thunder thighs will fall out all over the place. Can’t wait next year for SEXY McNUGGET.

"I don't even want to be at a party. I just want to sleep."

“I don’t even want to be at a party. I just want to sleep.”

SEXY—- OH WAIT YOU ARE PREGNANT AND NOT SEXY

Ah yes, Halloween. The holiday that forgets pregnant women. You see the only costumes for a pregnant woman are bullshit joke ones like this, or being a bunch of grapes. Or maybe a circus tent. Anyway, I can’t imagine Halloween being worth two shits for ladies who are expecting, and this piece of shit costume proves it. Wait. They DO LOVE CHOCOLATE.

PRIDE

PRIDE

CHICKS DIG RAINBOWS, RIGHT?

Just because they liked drawing them on their notebooks in High School doesn’t mean they actually want to BE ONE. I am convinced these are leftover from Gay Pride Parades because I can’t fathom anyone else actually walking around in one. I’m not saying Gay Pride Parades are bad, just fucking rainbow costumes.

CAUSE SHE SHE DRINKS IT SO MUCH!! GET IT?

CAUSE SHE SHE DRINKS IT SO MUCH!! GET IT?

SERIOUSLY? THAT’S IT?

A Diet fucking Coke. Not even a regular Coke. Not even a Fresca. Nothing says “I got this at the last minute” like this costume. At least nobody will ask you what the fuck you are supposed to be. It’s pretty fucking obvious.

Warning: Costume may contain stuck-up bitch.

Warning: Costume may contain stuck-up bitch.

THE “MOAN”A LISA. GET IT?

It would seriously take one arrogant bitch who thinks something along the lines of “I am a work of art, just like her” to actually have the vaginal walls to wear this. Or maybe some nerdy-ass art chick. Regardless, it is completely brutal to look at, and likely would barely conjure up someones smile for about 3 seconds. You look, you smile, you walk away mumbling about how dumb it is.

THIS WAS #1 ON THE LIST OF THINGS I WANTED TO BE.

THIS WAS #1 ON THE LIST OF THINGS I WANTED TO BE.

A CAN OF OLD FUCKING MILWAUKEE!?

We live in a world where this is an actual OPTION. For chicks at Halloween. I am trying to picture to myself the girl with a checklist of costume ideas who has “CAN OF OLD MILWAUKEE” on the top of the list. This is one of those costumes a dude MAKES a chick wear. AND SHE’LL WEAR IT WITH PRIDE, DAMMIT. You Hipster piece of shit you.

God. I just fucking give up.

God. I just fucking give up.

DO I EVEN HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING?

Dude, it’s just so fucking WRONG. I honestly leave this one at that. I don’t know what kind of person it takes to wear this, but I am pretty sure I don’t want to meet them. Nothing says SKANK like Penthouse. Fuck.

IT'SA MEEE!! WHORIO!!

IT’SA MEEE!! WHORIO!!

SLUTTY MARIO

I give you Sexy Mario. I am sure the mere idea of this will inspire some pathetic fucking Nintendo fan-boy to begin pulling his pud like there’s no tomorrow. I remember when Mario was innocent, and a fun-loving character for kids. Now he’ll give you handjobs in an alley for Microsoft Points or Playstation BUCKZ or whatever the fuck those consoles deal in. My childhood is dead. And so is Halloween.

Stay tuned to see if I can meet the oncoming deadline and present the costumes for KIDS. I’m crossing my fingers that I don’t make it in time. They are BAD this year.

The 2013 Logg 64 Halloween Costume Craptacular (Part 1- Men)

Since it’s inception, LOGG 64 has done a yearly article showing off the worst choices in Halloween wear for the season. It’s the most popular article of the year, and I get a fuckton of hits just from people searching for shitty costumes. And as always, I STILL can’t believe the fucking SHIT that gets mass produced. And as painful as these articles are to write,  I am proud to bring you this year’s inductees to the LOGG 64 shitty costume Hall of Fame. Holy Christ, they just get worse every year.

Part 1- Costumes for the bro’s.

Men have the particular advantage of being whatever the fuck they want for Halloween without having to be sexy. As a result, men will pick any random god damned thing they and their buddies can think of while drinking from a case of Busch Light. Don’t believe me? Just check this bullshit out.

Behold, I am the gaylord!

Behold, I am the gaylord!

A PUFFY FUCKING SHIRT

I swear to god, this was listed under the “new for 2013 for men” category. I don’t know if it’s supposed to be a god damned vampire, or just some incredibly uppity-asshole, but it just sucks. Any motherfucker who can wear one of these shirts without cutting his own balls off 5 minutes later deserves some kind of award. Any chick who digs dudes in puffy shirts needs to get her fucking nose out of romance novels.

WELL MY HALLOWEEN IS RUINED HOW ABOUT YOURS.

WELL MY HALLOWEEN IS RUINED HOW ABOUT YOURS.

ASSHOLE ON AN OSTRICH

Climb aboard this bloated, sickly looking fucking ostrich and show the whole neighborhood what a true douchebag you can be. I hate these fucking costumes wear your legs are the legs of some other shit. It’s a mind-fuck and I can’t handle that shit. If you see some asshole wearing this, please puncture the shit out of it with an exacto knife.

4:20 BRO

A STONED BANANA

Nothing says “I have the mind of an 8th grader” quite like a random costume mixed with a pot reference. Sure, it SEEMED like a good fucking idea after about 27 bong hits, but then again so did everything after 27 bong hits. Word of advice kids, think of your costume WHILE YOU ARE SOBER.

Oh you clever fucker.

PERVERTED PLAY-DOH

Guys love costumes that reference their dicks. I mean NOTHING is fucking funnier to them. Take this beast of a costume for example. The Play-Doh covers the groin. There has to be at least a MILLION jokes that can be made from that, right? Well the good news is regardless of jokes you can think of, the FUCKING SHIRT declares “Knead Me, Squeeze Me, Squish Me”. CHICKS ARE GOING TO COME UP TO YOU ABOUT THIS ALL NIGHT AND TALK ABOUT IT SEXUALLY, I JUST KNOW IT. Stop it.

This was awesome on South Park. LIKE 8 YEARS AGO.

This was awesome on South Park. LIKE 8 YEARS AGO.

DUMB-ASS. I SHIT YOU NOT.

Do I even need to fucking tell you why this literal piece of shit absolutely sucks? This one can’t be funnier than about the 3rd grade level. Not only are you a person with an ASS for a FACE, BUT THE DUNCE CAP ILLUSTRATES THE FACT THAT ARE YOU ARE ALSO AN IDIOT. Shut up.

Well it's finally boiled down to this point.

Well it’s finally boiled down to this point.

A DICK HEAD. Just shoot me now.

Remember what I said about Busch Light, guys, and dick jokes? Well this takes the cake. I know tons of people who could go as dick heads without putting on a costume at all. (BONUS NOTE: This costume goes from horrible to AWESOME if you ditch the suit and put on a Brett Favre jersey).

It's a fresh take on a shitty idea.

It’s a fresh take on a shitty idea.

ZOMBIE HOT DOG

Food costumes always suck. But this year, the idea well has run so dry that they have resorted to making ZOMBIE food costumes. Why the fuck a hot dog would be a zombie, nobody fucking knows. But apparently it’s an option this year.

It's a TRAP!!

It’s a TRAP!!

GORILLA WITH CAPTIVE PERSON

I am starting to hate costumes like this as much as food costumes. The gorilla doesn’t even look real. It’s like one of those shitty birthday party gorillas. Fuck, now that I look at it, it looks a lot more like a Sasquatch than a fucking monkey.

I think I just shit myself.

I think I just shit myself.

HOLY BALLS WHAT AM I LOOKING AT

It’s upside down. It’s in pajamas. It’s a fucking nightmare come to life. I can’t even begin to decide what in the shit this was SUPPOSED to be, but it looks like whomever made accomplished whatever fucked-up goal that they had at it’s outset. If this thing approaches me while I take my kids trick or treating I will fucking KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Slim Goodbody has been eating some carrots like a motherfucker.

Slim Goodbody has been eating some carrots like a motherfucker.

SCIENCE CLASS MUSCLE GUY

This is another nightmare-inducing costume. But more along the lines of when your science teacher would pass around handouts of it asking you to label each muscle group by the end of class. I don’t like to mix homework with Halloween. Also: LOOK AT IT’S FUCKING FACE.

NO. FUCK YOU. STAY AWAY.

NO. FUCK YOU. STAY AWAY.

SKIN-TIGHT MIME/THE CROW

Our final costume manages to combine a lot of my fears into one costume. First off, creepy fucking mimes. Nothing is worse than those silent fuckers pulling on imaginary ropes and shit. Getting stuck in an invisible box. Fuck that shit. But this also manages to combine it with a SKIN-TIGHT LEOTARD. Terrifying. Also, WTF is with the Crow makeup? This makes no sense and it should die.

There. Done with the guys. Now I have to write the gals costumes up fucking fast, because Halloween is in 2 fucking days. I procrastinate a LOT.

2012 Halloween Costume Spectacular, Part Two: Costumes for the ladies

It’s good to be back with the next installment of the LOGG 64 2012 Halloween Spectacular. This post is a personal favorite of my mine, as it will take us on a wonderful journey through absolutely terrible costumes for women.

There are some shitty costume out there, folks. But the ones for women get an extra push to awfulness by simply adding the word “sexy” in front of them. Absolutely EVERYTHING has a sexy version these days, and many of the costumes below fit that description.

Enjoy some more fucking awful costumes that any woman should just be ashamed to wear.

HONK! HONK!

CLOWNS ARE NOT FUCKING SEXY

Unless you are sexually into clowns, that is. But honestly as the years have gone by I think that I know more people who are afraid of clowns than not. If you’re not at a circus, in a parade or entertaining at a child’s birthday party there is absolutely no reason to dress as a clown. And ladies, clowns just aren’t sexy. They’re crazy. Don’t be the crazy girl.

I have caps lock on MY VAGINA.

SEXY NERDGIRL

This is so fucking cliche it makes me sick. Based on about a million shitty B movies and bad hard rock videos, this costume tries to make nerdy sexy.  We’ve seen it a million times, and lets face reality: despite what Maxim likes to tell you, real nerd girls are ugly and fat. I repeat UGLY AND FAT. Stop getting the hopes up of nerds around the world. It’s just wrong.

Can you count the dick references?

FUN DIP GIRL

This breaks so many of my costume rules it’s not even funny. First off, it’s food. I’ve already went over the fact that food costumes suck in Part 1 of this years Spectacular. But it also serves as a virtual treasure trove of potential dick references and jokes, most of which will result from the lucky woman who gets to carry the LICK EM STICK. I can only assume this is the costume for the spouse of the dude who dresses as bad dick jokes for Halloween (see Part 1). Please don’t humiliate your woman like this.

MONEY!!!!

GENE SIMMONS (the Demon)

I can’t decide if this costume is supposed to be of Gene Simmons himself, or of a sad and old KISS groupie. Regardless, just because you put a skirt on this costume doesn’t make it any less horrifying. The thought of Gene Simmons with tits is a scary one at that, but it still doesn’t justify wearing this awful getup. Please leave guy costumes for guys.

As Chris Hanson waits around the corner….

CHILD PAGEANT CONTESTANT

Ah yes, the most disturbing costume of this years bunch, the CHILD beauty pageant contestant. This can only be the result of television glorifying these horrible things on a regular basis. What kind of fucking pedophile comes home with this fucking costume for his woman? What woman with any sort of self respect lowers herself to this level? And are the police tracking sales of this costume? We can only hope.

Now THAT is sexy.

HOLY BALLS IT’S A BLOWUP DOLL

There’s just plain wrong, like the pageant costume, and then there is just plain fucking disturbing. This one fits the bill. I am already having nightmares about this one, and most of them end in some type of murder-suicide. I swear to god, I couldn’t find a woman who would dress this way on Halloween if I put up a  sweet million dollars for pictures. And that’s when I realized that some DUDE probably gets into this fucking thing and jacks off in a mirror. Oh fuck, the horror.

DUH DUH… DUH DUH..

REALLY?! A SHARK?

This is just a costume that pushes what a sexy costume can be. A shark? Sexy? Holy fucking stupid. What next? A sexy 2X4? Sexy gorilla? FUCK DUDES.

This must be the Becky described in the Sir Mix-a-Lot video.

BIG-BUTTED GIRL

This is for the girl who wants to be an object in the eyes of men. It’s a simple formula. Take a body part dudes like, and exaggerate the hell out of it in cartoonish fashion. The mean reason this is on the list is that I can’t imagine any girl wearing it without being totally ashamed of herself.

Strong to the finish.

SEXY POPEYE

This costume takes probably the ugliest fucking cartoon character of all time and attempts to make it sexy.  And it fails miserably. Popeye was pretty fucking hard on the ol’ eyes and a female version is just awful. I don’t understand these male character-turned sexy female costumes at all. Who would want go this route for Halloween when there are plenty of costumes designed for your particular sex that don’t look retarded?

SO. PLAYED. OUT.

UGH. BACON.

The internet as a whole needs to just fucking get over the bacon craze. It was cool and funny 5 years ago, but that shit is so fucking played out now that I almost wish I would never see bacon again. Stay away from played out shit like this to avoid looking stupid.

So there you go ladies, ten ways to not embarrass yourself for Halloween. Stay tuned to LOGG 64 for our 3rd installment of this years Spectacular in the coming week or so.

2012 Halloween Costume Spectacular, Part 1: Shitty costumes for dudes.

It’s that time of year again, folks. Halloween. The time of year for decorating your yard with corpses and eating Pumpkin Pie Blizzards from Dairy Queen. And oh, what glorious time it is. I love Halloween.

But along with Halloween comes trick or treating and costume parties. The following is part 1 of a three part series on the absolute shittiest Halloween costumes you could pick out for this years festivities. Don’t dress up like these assholes, their costumes absolutely suck.

By the power of Gayskull!!

Ultra-gay He-Man

Look at this prick. I can understand wanting to go the nostalgia route, but the bottom line is this wig is so fucking gay-tastic that it’s not even funny. Fake muscles? Ugh. Wear this fucker to look like a retro prick.

Sweet dreams!

Horrifying Annoying Orange

This nightmare-inducing mask is enough to haunt your dreams for decades. It’s bad enough to wear a costume based on the Annoying Orange, but putting that orange on your head just goes over the line. I’m never going to be able to sleep again thanks to this shit.

What it is, yo.

Wigger

As a general rule of thumb, never dress as somebody you might run into in public. This barely qualifies as a costume and includes ever-so-hilarious drop-ass pants that are around the dudes ankles.

Not funny. Not funny at all.

As seen on TV.

A chalk outline

I’m not sure why anybody would want to dress up as a chalk fucking outline for Halloween, but I guess that option is available.

Is there fucking anything they won’t make into a costume these days? You can seriously pick random inanimate objects and chances are, there is a costume for it.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

A FUCKING ROASTED TURKEY?

Speaking of random object-costumes, there’s this fucking abomination. Seriously, how many of these could have possibly sold?

This is the stupidest shit I have ever seen.

GET IT!?

BAD DICK JOKE

Another disturbing trend in costumes are ones that essentially end up being the worst sexual humor a person could unleash.

For whatever reason there are dozens of costumes that point to or reference a dudes dick, none of them being funny.

What kind of immature fuckface actually goes out in public wearing this bullshit?

GNAR!!

WHAT IN THE HOT CHRIST?

I have no idea what the fuck this is, what it’s supposed to be, or who it’s for. But sadly it’s available to buy.

This dude seems thrilled with his new breasts and ass, so I guess good for him. Holy shit.

PREPARE FOR RAPE.

PISSED GNOME

I’ll give this costume some credit, it’s really fucking scary. These proportion-bending costumes always fuck with my head and this one is no different.

I always thought gnomes were happy little garden creatures, but apparently they also come in giant angry size. You could probably just steal the candy away from kids walking down the street while wearing this.

YA’LL GONNA LOVE MY COSTUME!

MOUNTED FISH GUY

Shit like this is exactly why I hate it hillbilly outdoorsmen. Could a costume be more lame in any possible way?

Hey asshole, you’re not clever, funny, or witty. You’re just a fucking idiot. Take that shit off and have some fucking respect for yourself.

I can haz me?

A fricken’ cheeseburger.

A quick LOGG 64 tip: never dress up as food. It’s not ironic or whatever you are going for. It’s fucking stupid.

There is no possible way to dress as a cheeseburger without looking like a total retard. And I can only imagine that there is no way to dress as a cheese burger without feeling like one as well. Absolutely horrible.

Stay tuned for round 2 in the coming days. Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween, asses.

With Halloween finally here I thought I’d take the time to post this video as a tribute to all of the people who go OUT OF THEIR WAY to make Halloween the awesome holiday that it is.

This is one of my all time favorite yard haunts, The Bates Family Haunt. It’s almost entirely done with projection, and displays EXTREME Halloween dedication to the holiday.

Remember kids, BE SAFE.

Motherfucking BODY FARMS

In Logg’s continued non-stop coverage of Halloween-ish crap, I bring you part 1 of 3 YouTube videos about the BODY FARM in Knoxville. I’m not exactly sure what type of red tape you have to go through to get one of these motherfuckers started legally, but you can probably bet your ASS it’s a lot.

So enjoy this large plot of land filled with rotting corpses.