The 2013 Logg 64 Halloween Costume Craptacular (Part 1- Men)

Since it’s inception, LOGG 64 has done a yearly article showing off the worst choices in Halloween wear for the season. It’s the most popular article of the year, and I get a fuckton of hits just from people searching for shitty costumes. And as always, I STILL can’t believe the fucking SHIT that gets mass produced. And as painful as these articles are to write,  I am proud to bring you this year’s inductees to the LOGG 64 shitty costume Hall of Fame. Holy Christ, they just get worse every year.

Part 1- Costumes for the bro’s.

Men have the particular advantage of being whatever the fuck they want for Halloween without having to be sexy. As a result, men will pick any random god damned thing they and their buddies can think of while drinking from a case of Busch Light. Don’t believe me? Just check this bullshit out.

Behold, I am the gaylord!

Behold, I am the gaylord!

A PUFFY FUCKING SHIRT

I swear to god, this was listed under the “new for 2013 for men” category. I don’t know if it’s supposed to be a god damned vampire, or just some incredibly uppity-asshole, but it just sucks. Any motherfucker who can wear one of these shirts without cutting his own balls off 5 minutes later deserves some kind of award. Any chick who digs dudes in puffy shirts needs to get her fucking nose out of romance novels.

WELL MY HALLOWEEN IS RUINED HOW ABOUT YOURS.

WELL MY HALLOWEEN IS RUINED HOW ABOUT YOURS.

ASSHOLE ON AN OSTRICH

Climb aboard this bloated, sickly looking fucking ostrich and show the whole neighborhood what a true douchebag you can be. I hate these fucking costumes wear your legs are the legs of some other shit. It’s a mind-fuck and I can’t handle that shit. If you see some asshole wearing this, please puncture the shit out of it with an exacto knife.

4:20 BRO

A STONED BANANA

Nothing says “I have the mind of an 8th grader” quite like a random costume mixed with a pot reference. Sure, it SEEMED like a good fucking idea after about 27 bong hits, but then again so did everything after 27 bong hits. Word of advice kids, think of your costume WHILE YOU ARE SOBER.

Oh you clever fucker.

PERVERTED PLAY-DOH

Guys love costumes that reference their dicks. I mean NOTHING is fucking funnier to them. Take this beast of a costume for example. The Play-Doh covers the groin. There has to be at least a MILLION jokes that can be made from that, right? Well the good news is regardless of jokes you can think of, the FUCKING SHIRT declares “Knead Me, Squeeze Me, Squish Me”. CHICKS ARE GOING TO COME UP TO YOU ABOUT THIS ALL NIGHT AND TALK ABOUT IT SEXUALLY, I JUST KNOW IT. Stop it.

This was awesome on South Park. LIKE 8 YEARS AGO.

This was awesome on South Park. LIKE 8 YEARS AGO.

DUMB-ASS. I SHIT YOU NOT.

Do I even need to fucking tell you why this literal piece of shit absolutely sucks? This one can’t be funnier than about the 3rd grade level. Not only are you a person with an ASS for a FACE, BUT THE DUNCE CAP ILLUSTRATES THE FACT THAT ARE YOU ARE ALSO AN IDIOT. Shut up.

Well it's finally boiled down to this point.

Well it’s finally boiled down to this point.

A DICK HEAD. Just shoot me now.

Remember what I said about Busch Light, guys, and dick jokes? Well this takes the cake. I know tons of people who could go as dick heads without putting on a costume at all. (BONUS NOTE: This costume goes from horrible to AWESOME if you ditch the suit and put on a Brett Favre jersey).

It's a fresh take on a shitty idea.

It’s a fresh take on a shitty idea.

ZOMBIE HOT DOG

Food costumes always suck. But this year, the idea well has run so dry that they have resorted to making ZOMBIE food costumes. Why the fuck a hot dog would be a zombie, nobody fucking knows. But apparently it’s an option this year.

It's a TRAP!!

It’s a TRAP!!

GORILLA WITH CAPTIVE PERSON

I am starting to hate costumes like this as much as food costumes. The gorilla doesn’t even look real. It’s like one of those shitty birthday party gorillas. Fuck, now that I look at it, it looks a lot more like a Sasquatch than a fucking monkey.

I think I just shit myself.

I think I just shit myself.

HOLY BALLS WHAT AM I LOOKING AT

It’s upside down. It’s in pajamas. It’s a fucking nightmare come to life. I can’t even begin to decide what in the shit this was SUPPOSED to be, but it looks like whomever made accomplished whatever fucked-up goal that they had at it’s outset. If this thing approaches me while I take my kids trick or treating I will fucking KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Slim Goodbody has been eating some carrots like a motherfucker.

Slim Goodbody has been eating some carrots like a motherfucker.

SCIENCE CLASS MUSCLE GUY

This is another nightmare-inducing costume. But more along the lines of when your science teacher would pass around handouts of it asking you to label each muscle group by the end of class. I don’t like to mix homework with Halloween. Also: LOOK AT IT’S FUCKING FACE.

NO. FUCK YOU. STAY AWAY.

NO. FUCK YOU. STAY AWAY.

SKIN-TIGHT MIME/THE CROW

Our final costume manages to combine a lot of my fears into one costume. First off, creepy fucking mimes. Nothing is worse than those silent fuckers pulling on imaginary ropes and shit. Getting stuck in an invisible box. Fuck that shit. But this also manages to combine it with a SKIN-TIGHT LEOTARD. Terrifying. Also, WTF is with the Crow makeup? This makes no sense and it should die.

There. Done with the guys. Now I have to write the gals costumes up fucking fast, because Halloween is in 2 fucking days. I procrastinate a LOT.

2012 Halloween Costume Spectacular, Part Two: Costumes for the ladies

It’s good to be back with the next installment of the LOGG 64 2012 Halloween Spectacular. This post is a personal favorite of my mine, as it will take us on a wonderful journey through absolutely terrible costumes for women.

There are some shitty costume out there, folks. But the ones for women get an extra push to awfulness by simply adding the word “sexy” in front of them. Absolutely EVERYTHING has a sexy version these days, and many of the costumes below fit that description.

Enjoy some more fucking awful costumes that any woman should just be ashamed to wear.

HONK! HONK!

CLOWNS ARE NOT FUCKING SEXY

Unless you are sexually into clowns, that is. But honestly as the years have gone by I think that I know more people who are afraid of clowns than not. If you’re not at a circus, in a parade or entertaining at a child’s birthday party there is absolutely no reason to dress as a clown. And ladies, clowns just aren’t sexy. They’re crazy. Don’t be the crazy girl.

I have caps lock on MY VAGINA.

SEXY NERDGIRL

This is so fucking cliche it makes me sick. Based on about a million shitty B movies and bad hard rock videos, this costume tries to make nerdy sexy.  We’ve seen it a million times, and lets face reality: despite what Maxim likes to tell you, real nerd girls are ugly and fat. I repeat UGLY AND FAT. Stop getting the hopes up of nerds around the world. It’s just wrong.

Can you count the dick references?

FUN DIP GIRL

This breaks so many of my costume rules it’s not even funny. First off, it’s food. I’ve already went over the fact that food costumes suck in Part 1 of this years Spectacular. But it also serves as a virtual treasure trove of potential dick references and jokes, most of which will result from the lucky woman who gets to carry the LICK EM STICK. I can only assume this is the costume for the spouse of the dude who dresses as bad dick jokes for Halloween (see Part 1). Please don’t humiliate your woman like this.

MONEY!!!!

GENE SIMMONS (the Demon)

I can’t decide if this costume is supposed to be of Gene Simmons himself, or of a sad and old KISS groupie. Regardless, just because you put a skirt on this costume doesn’t make it any less horrifying. The thought of Gene Simmons with tits is a scary one at that, but it still doesn’t justify wearing this awful getup. Please leave guy costumes for guys.

As Chris Hanson waits around the corner….

CHILD PAGEANT CONTESTANT

Ah yes, the most disturbing costume of this years bunch, the CHILD beauty pageant contestant. This can only be the result of television glorifying these horrible things on a regular basis. What kind of fucking pedophile comes home with this fucking costume for his woman? What woman with any sort of self respect lowers herself to this level? And are the police tracking sales of this costume? We can only hope.

Now THAT is sexy.

HOLY BALLS IT’S A BLOWUP DOLL

There’s just plain wrong, like the pageant costume, and then there is just plain fucking disturbing. This one fits the bill. I am already having nightmares about this one, and most of them end in some type of murder-suicide. I swear to god, I couldn’t find a woman who would dress this way on Halloween if I put up a  sweet million dollars for pictures. And that’s when I realized that some DUDE probably gets into this fucking thing and jacks off in a mirror. Oh fuck, the horror.

DUH DUH… DUH DUH..

REALLY?! A SHARK?

This is just a costume that pushes what a sexy costume can be. A shark? Sexy? Holy fucking stupid. What next? A sexy 2X4? Sexy gorilla? FUCK DUDES.

This must be the Becky described in the Sir Mix-a-Lot video.

BIG-BUTTED GIRL

This is for the girl who wants to be an object in the eyes of men. It’s a simple formula. Take a body part dudes like, and exaggerate the hell out of it in cartoonish fashion. The mean reason this is on the list is that I can’t imagine any girl wearing it without being totally ashamed of herself.

Strong to the finish.

SEXY POPEYE

This costume takes probably the ugliest fucking cartoon character of all time and attempts to make it sexy.  And it fails miserably. Popeye was pretty fucking hard on the ol’ eyes and a female version is just awful. I don’t understand these male character-turned sexy female costumes at all. Who would want go this route for Halloween when there are plenty of costumes designed for your particular sex that don’t look retarded?

SO. PLAYED. OUT.

UGH. BACON.

The internet as a whole needs to just fucking get over the bacon craze. It was cool and funny 5 years ago, but that shit is so fucking played out now that I almost wish I would never see bacon again. Stay away from played out shit like this to avoid looking stupid.

So there you go ladies, ten ways to not embarrass yourself for Halloween. Stay tuned to LOGG 64 for our 3rd installment of this years Spectacular in the coming week or so.