The 2013 Logg 64 Halloween Costume Craptacular (Part 1- Men)

Since it’s inception, LOGG 64 has done a yearly article showing off the worst choices in Halloween wear for the season. It’s the most popular article of the year, and I get a fuckton of hits just from people searching for shitty costumes. And as always, I STILL can’t believe the fucking SHIT that gets mass produced. And as painful as these articles are to write,  I am proud to bring you this year’s inductees to the LOGG 64 shitty costume Hall of Fame. Holy Christ, they just get worse every year.

Part 1- Costumes for the bro’s.

Men have the particular advantage of being whatever the fuck they want for Halloween without having to be sexy. As a result, men will pick any random god damned thing they and their buddies can think of while drinking from a case of Busch Light. Don’t believe me? Just check this bullshit out.

Behold, I am the gaylord!

Behold, I am the gaylord!

A PUFFY FUCKING SHIRT

I swear to god, this was listed under the “new for 2013 for men” category. I don’t know if it’s supposed to be a god damned vampire, or just some incredibly uppity-asshole, but it just sucks. Any motherfucker who can wear one of these shirts without cutting his own balls off 5 minutes later deserves some kind of award. Any chick who digs dudes in puffy shirts needs to get her fucking nose out of romance novels.

WELL MY HALLOWEEN IS RUINED HOW ABOUT YOURS.

WELL MY HALLOWEEN IS RUINED HOW ABOUT YOURS.

ASSHOLE ON AN OSTRICH

Climb aboard this bloated, sickly looking fucking ostrich and show the whole neighborhood what a true douchebag you can be. I hate these fucking costumes wear your legs are the legs of some other shit. It’s a mind-fuck and I can’t handle that shit. If you see some asshole wearing this, please puncture the shit out of it with an exacto knife.

4:20 BRO

A STONED BANANA

Nothing says “I have the mind of an 8th grader” quite like a random costume mixed with a pot reference. Sure, it SEEMED like a good fucking idea after about 27 bong hits, but then again so did everything after 27 bong hits. Word of advice kids, think of your costume WHILE YOU ARE SOBER.

Oh you clever fucker.

PERVERTED PLAY-DOH

Guys love costumes that reference their dicks. I mean NOTHING is fucking funnier to them. Take this beast of a costume for example. The Play-Doh covers the groin. There has to be at least a MILLION jokes that can be made from that, right? Well the good news is regardless of jokes you can think of, the FUCKING SHIRT declares “Knead Me, Squeeze Me, Squish Me”. CHICKS ARE GOING TO COME UP TO YOU ABOUT THIS ALL NIGHT AND TALK ABOUT IT SEXUALLY, I JUST KNOW IT. Stop it.

This was awesome on South Park. LIKE 8 YEARS AGO.

This was awesome on South Park. LIKE 8 YEARS AGO.

DUMB-ASS. I SHIT YOU NOT.

Do I even need to fucking tell you why this literal piece of shit absolutely sucks? This one can’t be funnier than about the 3rd grade level. Not only are you a person with an ASS for a FACE, BUT THE DUNCE CAP ILLUSTRATES THE FACT THAT ARE YOU ARE ALSO AN IDIOT. Shut up.

Well it's finally boiled down to this point.

Well it’s finally boiled down to this point.

A DICK HEAD. Just shoot me now.

Remember what I said about Busch Light, guys, and dick jokes? Well this takes the cake. I know tons of people who could go as dick heads without putting on a costume at all. (BONUS NOTE: This costume goes from horrible to AWESOME if you ditch the suit and put on a Brett Favre jersey).

It's a fresh take on a shitty idea.

It’s a fresh take on a shitty idea.

ZOMBIE HOT DOG

Food costumes always suck. But this year, the idea well has run so dry that they have resorted to making ZOMBIE food costumes. Why the fuck a hot dog would be a zombie, nobody fucking knows. But apparently it’s an option this year.

It's a TRAP!!

It’s a TRAP!!

GORILLA WITH CAPTIVE PERSON

I am starting to hate costumes like this as much as food costumes. The gorilla doesn’t even look real. It’s like one of those shitty birthday party gorillas. Fuck, now that I look at it, it looks a lot more like a Sasquatch than a fucking monkey.

I think I just shit myself.

I think I just shit myself.

HOLY BALLS WHAT AM I LOOKING AT

It’s upside down. It’s in pajamas. It’s a fucking nightmare come to life. I can’t even begin to decide what in the shit this was SUPPOSED to be, but it looks like whomever made accomplished whatever fucked-up goal that they had at it’s outset. If this thing approaches me while I take my kids trick or treating I will fucking KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Slim Goodbody has been eating some carrots like a motherfucker.

Slim Goodbody has been eating some carrots like a motherfucker.

SCIENCE CLASS MUSCLE GUY

This is another nightmare-inducing costume. But more along the lines of when your science teacher would pass around handouts of it asking you to label each muscle group by the end of class. I don’t like to mix homework with Halloween. Also: LOOK AT IT’S FUCKING FACE.

NO. FUCK YOU. STAY AWAY.

NO. FUCK YOU. STAY AWAY.

SKIN-TIGHT MIME/THE CROW

Our final costume manages to combine a lot of my fears into one costume. First off, creepy fucking mimes. Nothing is worse than those silent fuckers pulling on imaginary ropes and shit. Getting stuck in an invisible box. Fuck that shit. But this also manages to combine it with a SKIN-TIGHT LEOTARD. Terrifying. Also, WTF is with the Crow makeup? This makes no sense and it should die.

There. Done with the guys. Now I have to write the gals costumes up fucking fast, because Halloween is in 2 fucking days. I procrastinate a LOT.

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2012 Halloween Costume Spectacular, Part 1: Shitty costumes for dudes.

It’s that time of year again, folks. Halloween. The time of year for decorating your yard with corpses and eating Pumpkin Pie Blizzards from Dairy Queen. And oh, what glorious time it is. I love Halloween.

But along with Halloween comes trick or treating and costume parties. The following is part 1 of a three part series on the absolute shittiest Halloween costumes you could pick out for this years festivities. Don’t dress up like these assholes, their costumes absolutely suck.

By the power of Gayskull!!

Ultra-gay He-Man

Look at this prick. I can understand wanting to go the nostalgia route, but the bottom line is this wig is so fucking gay-tastic that it’s not even funny. Fake muscles? Ugh. Wear this fucker to look like a retro prick.

Sweet dreams!

Horrifying Annoying Orange

This nightmare-inducing mask is enough to haunt your dreams for decades. It’s bad enough to wear a costume based on the Annoying Orange, but putting that orange on your head just goes over the line. I’m never going to be able to sleep again thanks to this shit.

What it is, yo.

Wigger

As a general rule of thumb, never dress as somebody you might run into in public. This barely qualifies as a costume and includes ever-so-hilarious drop-ass pants that are around the dudes ankles.

Not funny. Not funny at all.

As seen on TV.

A chalk outline

I’m not sure why anybody would want to dress up as a chalk fucking outline for Halloween, but I guess that option is available.

Is there fucking anything they won’t make into a costume these days? You can seriously pick random inanimate objects and chances are, there is a costume for it.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

A FUCKING ROASTED TURKEY?

Speaking of random object-costumes, there’s this fucking abomination. Seriously, how many of these could have possibly sold?

This is the stupidest shit I have ever seen.

GET IT!?

BAD DICK JOKE

Another disturbing trend in costumes are ones that essentially end up being the worst sexual humor a person could unleash.

For whatever reason there are dozens of costumes that point to or reference a dudes dick, none of them being funny.

What kind of immature fuckface actually goes out in public wearing this bullshit?

GNAR!!

WHAT IN THE HOT CHRIST?

I have no idea what the fuck this is, what it’s supposed to be, or who it’s for. But sadly it’s available to buy.

This dude seems thrilled with his new breasts and ass, so I guess good for him. Holy shit.

PREPARE FOR RAPE.

PISSED GNOME

I’ll give this costume some credit, it’s really fucking scary. These proportion-bending costumes always fuck with my head and this one is no different.

I always thought gnomes were happy little garden creatures, but apparently they also come in giant angry size. You could probably just steal the candy away from kids walking down the street while wearing this.

YA’LL GONNA LOVE MY COSTUME!

MOUNTED FISH GUY

Shit like this is exactly why I hate it hillbilly outdoorsmen. Could a costume be more lame in any possible way?

Hey asshole, you’re not clever, funny, or witty. You’re just a fucking idiot. Take that shit off and have some fucking respect for yourself.

I can haz me?

A fricken’ cheeseburger.

A quick LOGG 64 tip: never dress up as food. It’s not ironic or whatever you are going for. It’s fucking stupid.

There is no possible way to dress as a cheeseburger without looking like a total retard. And I can only imagine that there is no way to dress as a cheese burger without feeling like one as well. Absolutely horrible.

Stay tuned for round 2 in the coming days. Happy Halloween!